Captain Independence: A tribute to India’s own superhero

I would like to take this day that marks the 64th year of Indian Independence as an opportunity to address the selfless magnanimous person you are, Captain.

It’s quite amazing how you would have adorned the Khaki Dress more number of times than an actual policeman. Or a watchman. Even though you are professionally none of the two.

I am sure both Nagarjuna and Sunny Deol would agree that your contribution to the safeguarding of Indian borders and taking out anti-social elements from our society is far more important and significant than theirs. And that they would both agree that you are deservingly the torch bearer of India’s post-independence fight for independence.

What beats my comprehension is your unparalleled love for the land. Who else would put their life on the line in every movie that they act in to fight for protecting India? Till date, you have fought against the Pakistanis, Pakistani terrorists, Tamil Nadu Dacoits, Peta Rowdies, Drug Lords, Politicians and even a few outlaws disguised as domesticated cows.

You are so proud that you won’t be tortured by others. Instead, you’d rather torture yourself. Remember the time when you bit your nails off? And the time when you took revenge on electricity for electrocuting you?

When you are shot and you are gushing blood like a metro water tanker on its way to Raheja Apartments in KK Nagar, you don’t go to a hospital or call for an ambulance. You just take a fistful of soil and apply it on the wound. Lo and behold, you are cured. It’s not a medical miracle. It is just another manifestation of your love for our land. For you, the thaaimannu is not just mannu. It is marundhu.

Talking about medical miracles and medicines, the entire medical fraternity is still baffled as to how you cured a sudden cardiac arrest patient with something as cost-effective as Balli Mittai. What a stellar display of presence of mind, sir! I, for one, have started carrying a pack of the indispensible Balli Mittai with me every time I go on the train.

Your grasp of economies and demographics and the link between the two is also mind boggling. I am told that Eminem tried rapping the same in his new album Recover and failed miserably. Amartya Sen even offered to give his Nobel Prize to you. But you, being the benevolent soul that you are, gave him also a pack of Balli Mittai to keep heart attacks away.

But let not all these acts of selflessness give you a tag of an Amul Baby. No sir. You are very much the ladies man who sweeps the good looking, fair and lovely using, thunder thigh’ed, wobbly bellied women with your enchanting smile and the enamouring charm. With such powerful hypnotic tools to captivate anyone standing in front of you, I wonder why you would ever use a gun to floor someone. But who am I to judge you?

People think only James Bond has secret weapons. I am going to clear that misconception now. Your eyes, they are like red hot charcoals ready to spit fire. Your double chin, it’s a secret compartment where you store extra ammunition. So is your paunch where you store supplies for an entire unit to last for a month. Your elbows are like jackhammers. And your own specialised version of the roundhouse kick has won you many a duels. And your face, it turns in to that of a tiger when you pounce on your enemies after you run out of the ammo stored in your double chin. What a man.

I can go on and on about you and your adventures. But words won’t do justice to who you are. Or your contribution towards defending India against its enemies. As part of the Navy, Army, Airforce, Special Task Force, Anti Terrorism Force, Tamil Nadu Police, CBI, Interpol, KGB, IFB (yes, as a washing machine mechanic), FBI, Milkman, Postman, Fireman, The Man, Common Man… whatever you are, you will always serve our country and earn the title, Captain.

Salut!

 

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~ by Farting Pen on August 15, 2011.